Choose to Take the Journey

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
-Wayne Gretzky

I still remember it well…

Friday night. I’m in the middle of another move having just spent the last 5 hours assembling furniture, when Jake suggests a night on the town.

*****

Meatpacking District, New York City

The dimly lit bar fills steadily as people shuffle in from the cold winter wind outside. I’m nervous. I can feel the pulse of the music destabilize my heartbeat. Meanwhile, Jake unhesitatingly conversates with everyone in our vicinity. Jake is tall. His hat and his boots put him half a head above everyone else.

He chats with a pretty brunette beside us named Erica who is also the tallest girl there. I attempt to engage her friend in conversation, but she appears preoccupied with her phone. I make short comments when I’m addressed, but otherwise I remain silent as I wait to talk to Erica’s friend so she does not end up the third wheel. I watch the conversation between Jake and Erica, looking back and forth as if studying the courtship ritual of an unknown species. My heart has calmed down.

Erica gradually shifts her attention toward me. I am polite, but I hold back so as not to step on Jake’s toes. Jake watches in curious bemusement as Erica’s fascination with me grows. Suddenly, Erica’s friend gets off her phone and begins a lively conversation with him. Jake gives me a look to signal that he wants to switch conversational partners. I accept. I now open up to Erica fully and we instantly hit it off. We get along so marvelously, in fact, that I begin to question whether or not she is fabricating parts of her life to jive better with my own.

But she is not.

Up until this point in my life, I had only dated girls within my social network. There is a certain degree of comfort that accompanies meeting someone with whom you share mutual friends. But this connection we have is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I will make an exception.

She is smart, pretty, and successful. I find her charming, and perhaps, too good for me. I feel my heart wobble. I don’t want to mess this up. My heart skips a beat. She is perfect. I am light-headed. The pressure is too much to bear, so I excuse myself to find Jake.

“Let’s get out of here,” I say to him.

“Not until you get Erica’s number.”

“Aaaahhh…” I feel an incredible amount of tension in my body. “Ok… Ok. I’m going to do it,” I say resignedly.

I walk back over to her. “Hey Erica, my friend and I are gonna go, but I want to take your number first.” I hand her my phone.

“Sure, of course!” she beams. She puts in her number. “Here you go. Call me, ok?”

“Ok.” I smile, but inside I’m filled with fear.

*****

Northport, Long Island

I call Erica on Sunday night. The conversation is surprisingly easy despite my reservations. We talk for 45 minutes before setting up a date for the following Saturday afternoon.

*****

Astoria, New York

It’s Friday night again and I’m a complete wreck. I have not contacted Erica since the last phone call because I cannot get a handle on my anxiety. I tell Jake I can’t hang out with him lest I oversleep and miss my date.

2:00am – I can’t fall asleep.

3:30am – Did I fall asleep? Or was I just thinking this whole time with my eyes closed? I can’t tell.

5:00am – Did I sleep? I’m definitely awake now.

I lay in bed imagining all sorts of nonsensical scenarios with Erica.

11:00am – I secretly hope she will text me to cancel.

11:15am – Baling. I check my phone. It’s a text message from Erica.

“Hey, are we still on for 1:30?”

I’m petrified. I’m afraid she will stop liking me when she gets to know me better. I hate rejection.

Do I cancel? If I cancel, I will be the one rejecting her. She will be mad, but at least she will remember me in a positive light. I don’t want to spoil her image of me.

“I’m sorry Erica. I’m not really feeling up to it.”

My finger hesitates half an inch above the ‘Send’ button. A wave of uneasiness washes over me. Wait. If I cancel, nothing will ever happen. She will never become my girlfriend. If I cancel, I will have allowed fear to dictate my behavior. My fear will only grow with time as I ease into a slump of self-defeat. Fear will be my master, and I, its slave.

No, the only way to overcome my fear is to just do the thing that I fear. I may not believe that I can have her, but if I don’t go through with this, I will never know for sure. I will regret it for the rest of my life.

I erase my message, and I punch in a new one:

“Hi Erica. Of course we are. See you then!”

1:30pm – Ding Dong. I rush downstairs to greet her. My heart is pounding.

It’s moments like these that I will always remember for the rest of my life. There is nothing more fulfilling than to connect with another human being. That feeling of resistance, that hesitation in your nerves is not a signal to hide and protect yourself. It is a signal to alert you that you are extremely close to getting what you want. Happiness is on the other side of that door, if you will just find the courage to open it. Perhaps not this time, or even the next time. But if you keep opening doors, eventually what you’ve been looking for will be standing on the other side staring right back at you.

I turn the handle and open the door.

“Hi Erica.”

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