Choose to Take the Journey

Relationships, whether romantic or not, take work. When you enter into one with somebody, not only do none of your problems go away, but you inherit theirs as well. And when you find yourself beleaguered by too many of your own problems, it may feel nigh impossible to lend a helping hand. You may find it easier to be selfish, to focus solely on yourself.

Some time ago I was helping a friend get through a difficult time in her life. Her family was unavailable, her health had been slowly deteriorating for years, and her career seemed to approach a dead end at an increasingly rapid pace. She felt that her life had become hollow and unbearable. She became an abyss. Anyone she talked to was sucked into a whirlpool of hopelessness. I attempted to cheer her up several times, but inevitably, I found myself having to leave her to come up for air. One day, I was feeling particularly down and her negativity all of a sudden began to resonate with me very easily. We had mutual empathy for each other, and it tethered us together as we sank into the depths. It was actually quite comforting to passively complain about the big bad world. But at one point her negative frame of mind was so powerful, I became convinced that if I allowed her to pull me down any further, I would never come back to the surface again.

So I pulled back. A 6 hour tug-of-war commenced as each of us tried to define our reality. The state of our lives during this time did not in fact change in the slightest, but the meaning of our lives would be altered drastically. Misfortune became impetus for change, mistakes became learning lessons, and the loss of a dream became an opportunity to dream anew. As I fought to rise to the surface, she was pulled along with me. Ironically, she was the first to disengage from our conversation, leaving with a positive attitude, and excited to get to work immediately on her new set of goals.

After such an emotional ride, I expected to feel exhausted. Instead, I found myself full of energy, ready to take on the day. “Why do I feel this way?” I asked myself. The answer to that question was nothing short of the following epiphany:

In order to fill someone else with positivity, you have to go first. You cannot give someone something that you do not have. If you are filled with poison, you can give only poison. If you are filled with light, you will give light. In the process of trying to get myself to stay positive, I had filled myself up with positive thoughts. If you want to lead someone out of a nadir, you have to become their emotional tour guide. You have to familiarize yourself with the desired emotion in order to show them how to get there themselves. By selflessly loving others, you fill yourself with love. By being selfish and loving yourself, you will be better able to give love to others.

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