Choose to Take the Journey

Has someone ever wronged you before? So much so, that all you could think about was revenge? Did you keep replaying the scenario over and over again in your head, unable to let go? I know what that’s like. To be dizzy with rage, to feel your blood seethe with hatred, to desperately beg your body for sleep when you couldn’t take it anymore.

I believe the first and best course of action is to try to talk to the person. For most of my life, nothing has done more to quickly settle matters than to open the lines of communication. Unfortunately, if the other party won’t acknowledge any wrongdoing, it makes it even harder to move on. Even worse, they may not be willing to engage in any dialogue altogether.

You might look at what can be done within the bounds of the legal system. Will taking this person to court resolve the dispute? You might also try winning people over to your side to obtain some sort of social justice. But what if it’s not possible to go to court? And what if your thirst for justice still isn’t quenched? I’ve also been there.

See, the problem with revenge is that it’s intrinsically asymmetric. The pain the receiver feels is always greater than the satisfaction the person seeking revenge feels. So the avenged will become the avenger and vice versa in a vicious cycle. This is how you end up with those perpetual blood feuds between families across multiple generations. Don’t escalate the conflict by taking revenge. You don’t want to always have to look over your shoulder waiting for the next time the other party will strike back.

Here’s how to let go:

Step 1) Replay the scenario and extract any lessons you can from it. Ask yourself if you could have done anything differently that could have either prevented the wrongdoing or lessened its impact on you. Take these lessons to heart. There are always 2 sides to the story. And even if you’re more right, you will at least be better equipped to deal with the same kind of person in the future.

Step 2) Stop replaying the scenario. Every time you start to think of it again, direct your mind towards something else. It will be hard at first, but the more you practice the easier it will become. Stop talking to people about it.

Step 3) Get rid of anything that triggers thoughts of what happened. If you can’t get rid of it, find another memory to associate it with or create a new memory altogether. If possible, remove yourself from the environment in which the injustice occurred.

Step 4) Obtain closure. Don’t deny the feelings that you have. Other people cannot possibly understand how you feel unless they’ve been through the exact same thing. If you have a certain feeling in your gut, don’t disacknowledge it. Figure out what is within your control to change and act on it. Let go of anything outside of your control.

Step 5) If all else fails, consider constructive revenge. Feelings of revenge stem from perceived status transgressions. Someone has lowered your perceived status and you wish to re-establish it by punishing the person. Instead, raise your status by building a better you. Don’t aspire because you have something to prove, but rather because you have something you want to improve. Keep an eye to the future. One day you’ll look back and realize that some people are just not worth your time and energy. Better to save it for someone who is.